That One Guy 636

Posted In:   From Issue 636   By: That One Guy

26th April, 2007     0

Dear That One Guy:

My girlfriend and I were watching a re-run of a popular sit-com that dealt with sexless marriages. She said she thought that there were a lot more of them out there than most people think. We have a good amount of romantic activity. At least we think so! That got us talking: just what's the math on that? What's considered normal? Will this change if we get married?

-Still Sexin' in Saginaw

Dear Still:

Even if I shook my Magic 8-Ball four hundred times, I could never get a consistent answer on what's "normal". Further, I would think it ridiculous for anyone to impose a standard.

The latest research says that there's not as much going on in the big wide world as one may think: At least, not in our red, white, and blue corner of it.

According to recent polls, married couples are reporting they have sex an average of 68.5 times a year. Roughly translated, that's a little more than once a week.

As for the idea that you stop having sex when you get married? Wrong. Married people have 6.9 more sexual encounters per year than those who have never put on the ball and chain.

What's scary is that there seems to be a lot of people having sex they don't want: 20 to 30 percent of men, and 30 to 50 percent of women, say they have little or no sex drive.  

In the bigger picture, 25% of ALL Americans suffer from something known as HSD: Hypoactive Sexual Desire. This is a disorder marked by persistent/recurring lack of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in being sexual.

While every available medium for advertising glamorizes sex and makes it appear that folks are gettin' it coming (pardon the reference) and going, the truth is far more mundane.

The kicker is this: Some studies suggest our parents, and, (gasp!) our grandparents, likely had sex, on average, more times a year than we did.

Now there's something to wrap your mind around.

Personally, I struggle more with the actual numbers than I do the conclusions. For example, what exactly defines .9 of an act of sex? What is that .1 of something I could have done more, to have actually qualified as getting laid 7 more times a year than a single guy?

These are the burning questions.

As you ponder the grandparent's reference, I'll bet you're sorry you asked.


Dear Guy:

I am a newly married woman in my twenties. My
husband is a great guy. We get along great, and we have known one another for years. The problem is, every time we get intimate, just when I start enjoying something, he moves on to do something else. This is driving me nuts! Why is this happening?

-It Almost Felt Good in Fenton

Dear Almost:

Congrats on your marriage. No need to pack your bags. I think we can nail this one down in short order.

Though I can't speak for the guy, I can understand his dilemma: He's had too much un-structured play.

See, women are notorious for expecting men to understand what works. This happens in all aspects of a relationship: from how to do laundry, right down to how to make you happy between the sheets. You've let it go on, and he has no reason to believe there is a problem. So he is simply having at it, without any sense of direction or purpose. It's a guy thing, completely.

Again, I'm going to go back to the fact that we have to accept a lot of the blame for that. We have the attention span of your average two year old.

Part of the fun of your physical topography is that, like a playground, there are just too many fun things to explore. When we settle in and start getting deeply involved in play, we expect that there will be some response from you, to indicate that we are on target. Again, our attention spans are short, or maybe we are too deeply involved in what we're doing to notice we're jumping around too much.

The key here is communication: and it doesn't necessarily have to be words. Even if we're not listening, we can respond to physical direction.

As a married adult, you have to take some responsibility for bedroom communication. Playing shy is a losing game. Loosen up, tell him what works when he's doing it, and he'll do it again. If he moves away from it before you're ready, redirect his attention, and he'll get the hint.

Like a puppy that's just too happy to contain himself, he's just in his own little world. He aims to please, and a little positive re-enforcement is all he needs.

If that doesn't work, keep a rolled up newspaper next to the bed.


Dear Guy:

What is the numbered one-stupedist question you have gottin of all time?

-Curiuos in Richville

Dear 'Curiuos"

This one. Hands down.


 Dear Guy:

Is it true that when a woman has an orgasm, her whole body stops functioning for a fraction of a second?

-Flushing Frank

Dear Frank,

That's sneezing, you idiot.

If you have had the experience of someone's body ceasing to function during sex, you're doing it wrong.


Dear Reader(s),
I wish to amend my answer to the question from the guy in Richville.

'Nuff said.

Dear Guy:
Where the hell have you been?

-Steamed in Montrose

Dear Steamed:

Going to and fro the Earth, and walking up and down it.  And Peoria. Visiting my grandmother. She runs a tattoo shop there.


If you have a question for 'That One Guy' please mail to Review Magazine, 318 S. Hamilton St., Saginaw, MI 48602


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