Advice for Realistic Relationships in an Unreal World

Every time I try to talk about my feelings, he shuts me out. We were at a party once, and I asked him where the relationship was going. He just laughed and said to relax. I hate that! What a blow off!

Once, I told him I wanted to know if he was going to date other women, and he said that he would let me know. What is that supposed to mean? I want a guy who will talk about things, not someone who disrespects me. Even when we're really being close together, he won't go there. If I cry about anything, even something really important to me, he cuts me off. This hurts me! What do I do? He is very nice otherwise.

-Sweetheart in Saginaw

Dear Sweets:

Just reading your e-mail was enough for me to disconnect. Excuse me while I choke down the bile. How needy are you?

So you're at a party, you get a few cocktails in you, and you think this may be the appropriate time to start talking to a guy you've barely dated about your relationship? What a freakin' downer!
Do yourself a favor. Go to the video store, rent every "Cheers" archive that features "Diane".

Watch it for approximately four hours every night, two nights a week (the average time you spend with your boyfriend on a date). Pay close attention to her character. See what happens when she interjects constant evaluations of the status of the relationship. See if you don't want to shoot yourself in the head.

Sickening as it is to watch it, you need to come to grips with the fact that this character, Diane, is you.

Get over it. Loosen up, have fun, and save the emotional, Oprah Winfrey stuff for the kitchen table with your girlfriends over a big bowl of Hagen Daas. Do you really want a whiny assed boyfriend who wants to sit around all day talking about his feelings? Are you prepared to be someone's mommy?

Here's another thought: if he is willing to play the game, and shed a few tears because you want him to, he's likely not going to be a real straight shooter.

You've only been dating a short time, and it sounds to me like he enjoys your company enough to continue to get to know you. It also sounds like he's tolerated your incessant neediness in an effort to see you show him something more substantial. That's not disrespect; it's tolerance. Retract the claws, have some fun, and save the tears. Desperation is a turn off.

-Dear "Guy"; I am one lonely son of a pup.

I don't get it. I'm a pretty decent guy. Not bad looking and I have a good sense of humor. But girls don't talk to me. If I see a group of girls at a club, I don't have any problem with asking one to dance or buying them a drink. But why do they look at me like I'm a weirdo?

-Doug from Midland

Dear Lonesome Doug;

Divide and conquer.

Women travel in packs. It's hard enough to please ONE woman. But when you approach the entire pack, you subject yourself to the checklist of the whole group.

You need to understand the difference between women and men in a group setting. Even when guys go out as a group, it's completely acceptable for one to peel off for a while if he has a shot at getting laid. A guy can even call a buddy the next morning for a ride home.

At the women's table, if one steals even a moment, the others are circling the wagons. For a lot of good reasons, they look out for one another. But keep approaching women in this way, and you don't stand a chance.
Find alternate ways to meet women in a setting that is more one on one, and keep plugging away at it. And don't come off as lonely: women can smell fear.
Good luck!

Dear "Guy"; My woman has gigantic orgasms. She makes a lot of noise and they seem to go on forever—sometimes like five minutes at a time. One problem: I think she's faking. Is she acting? How can I tell if it's a performance?

-Wondering No Town USA

Dear Wonder:

Sounds like an Emmy to me.

Because increased blood flow and definitive heavy breathing are the undeniable physical markers of the big moment, you have a shot at diagnosing the problem. Fortunately for all of us, a woman who is truly orgasmic, or pre-orgasmic, has a few classic symptoms she can't fake:

1. She becomes flushed, sometimes profoundly, and most times, will develop a slight rash on the upper body and across the chest.


2. Her pupils will dilate, giving her that "zoned out" look.


3. Her breathing becomes more rapid as her body works to pump the blood to the necessary parts. Said parts should reflect a color change with the increase blood flow (though I don't recommend stopping a lot to check).


4. Her breathing takes a while to regulate post orgasm (if she's breathing hard during, and has no catching up to do later, you've been duped).


5. Her nipples are erect.


6. She isn't counting the ceiling tiles.


7. Last but not least, if she is contracting for the 5 or so minutes you claim, you're not the Love God you think you are. The average number of contractions for a mild orgasm is 3-5. For a humdinger? 10-15.

Sorry, dude.

I suggest you tell her that you really would like to give her a real orgasm, and ask her what she would like you to do to get there. This eliminates the need to ask her about it and let's her know you're on to her without being defensive about it.

Bear in mind that women will often fake it to spare the feelings of their partners or to get you to put an end to a session she may see as going on too long. So if you show her you are willing to take a lot of time and patience to make things happen, she will relax and be more open to new ideas.

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