Our condolences on your recent a$$ whoopin' at the Labadie Pig Gig this year.
We realize that the Celebrity Rib Cook Off is the sole and stated reason for your existence, and we can appreciate the impact of your loss of the best sauce competition to a couple of internet radio and magazine geeks from the Tri Cities, ala Review Magazine and Review This Radio Dot Com.
It must have been hard to take.
We know that you have planned your strategy months in advance, concocting various sauces, slaying innocent vegetables, talkin' smack to your competitors and making mayhem on the air about your "touch of this" and "touch of that".
We are aware that you cooked with all your heart and soul, adding a precisely predetermined level of parts per million of that special ingredient to that special blend of innocent vegetables that never committed a single aggressive act toward you.
We can appreciate that over the many years you've competed, you've garnered some degree of respect from your competitors. We also acknowledge, in the greater scheme of things, the sense of fear and loathing invoked in the pigs you've slathered over the years.
We realize that you have been on the air for like, A HUNDRED YEARS, and that you have a loyal fan base who failed you miserably this time, both in the People's Choice division (Mark Torregrossa stomped you but good, eh?) and the Judged competition (We stomped you but good, too, eh?).
Notwithstanding all of this, and despite the fact that we would really like to say "Neener Neener Neener", we have decided to be gracious.
We have taken into account that you are a good friend to us, and a true public servant; devoting a great deal of your time to helping others through the Johnny Burke Children's Foundation and other worthwhile endeavors.
We have also taken into account that you would do EXACTLY to us what we are now about to do to you.
You see, to show our respect for your long standing commitment to the Labadie Pig gig Celebrity Cook Off, we have taken the liberty providing you with a membership at ThePigSite.com, wherein you will find a wealth of information on rib preparation, pig parts, and much, much more.
In addition to this fabulous LIFETIME membership, you will receive several weekly newsletters from informational sources like ThePoultrySite.Com, and TheFishSite.com.
Last but not least, and as an added bonus, we've obtained for you, Johnny Burke, a full, all access subscription to the China Piglet Market Weekly!!
Never let it be said we weren't gracious winners.
Our best wishes and thanks to the Folks from the Red Cross, our charity partners at this years event, and of course we couldn't have done it without the able expertise of Alan Shoe and our partners at Lumber Baron's. And of course, we must also tip our hat to the many fine personalities like Johnny who have helped make the event such a worthwhile cause.
Bob "QuickSauce" Martin
and Lauren "MeatSlayer" Davis
16th November, 2023