True Astrology with Madam Gorgonzola
Aries (March 21 –
April 19)
 You
must overcome your feelings of desolation, despair and absolute,
nerve-wracking solitude. You are not totally alone….just downtown.
Taurus
(April 20 – May 20)
Try to
conceal your contempt. You suffer from delusions of self-righteous
grandeur of near Napoleonic proportions. Resign from the City Council.
Gemini (May 21 –
June 21)
Make
new friends. The bridges you have built in the past are falling down and
the glue of friendship is no longer holding. Leave Zilwaukee.
Cancer (June
22-July 22)
Develop new modes of relaxation. You must forego those feelings of
unpopularity. You’re not paranoid; you’re just a township commissioner.
Leo (July 23 –
Aug. 23)
Change
occupations. You were born under the sign of the sun and fire is a very
dangerous element for you. Get out of the restaurant business.
Virgo (Aug. 23 –
Sept. 22)
You
are about to enter a passionate romantic encounter. If not now, at least
by bar closing time. Follow your moral values if you have any. Stay off
of Midland Street.
Libra (Sept. 23 –
Oct. 23)
See a
doctor immediately. That’s not a mole on your shoulder; it’s a tiny,
budding head. Believe me, one of yours is enough. Stop camping on the
Tittabawassee River.
Scorpio (Oct. 24
– Nov. 21)
You
were born on the cusp. This might explain your snarling, defensive
attitude. Either leave the mall or get out of retail sales completely.
Sagitttarius
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
The
foundations of your very existence need shoring up. It seems as if you
can do nothing right. Get out of the nuclear construction business.
Capricorn (Dec.
22 – Jan. 19)
Acquaintances can deceive. Trust no one. You were right. It isn’t a cold
sore. Shoot the a-hole.
Aquarius (Jan. 20
– Feb. 18)
Work
is futile. Consult with your co-workers and they’ll agree. No matter how
much you try, it will come to naught. Get out of the parts plant.
Pieces (Feb.
19-March 20)
Born
under the sign of the fish, you must swim cautiously up the middle of
the river. Although the world seems clearly divided between black and
white, there is a lot of grey area in between – namely the water. But a
wet suit.
Your Birthday
Today:
Go out
and get some exercise. Go to the library. Develop some new skills. If
you’ve got the time to read this horoscope you’ve got too much time on
your hands. You need activities. Or therapy. Or both. |
