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Dear Guy
Real advice from an average guy. Rockin' like Dokken, Chillin' like Dylan. Dear Guy, I am a single, 51 year old massage therapist. One of my customers whom I'll call "Marty" has been coming in regularly for years. I have never been in the habit of getting personal with clients but we became fast friends. Every week during our hour long sessions Marty would tell me about his job, his family and his wife. He confided in me that they were no longer intimate, they hadn't been in love with each other for quite some time and were in the beginning stages of splitting up. In time we began dating and it was wonderful. I have never met anyone like him before. After about 4 months he told me to quit my job because he didn't want me to have to touch other men and he set me up in a very nice little apartment. He is financially successful and gives me a weekly allowance. He comes by nearly every day. This arrangement is only until his divorce is final and then we are to move into a new home together. On the subject of his wife, he tells me to just be patient and that they will be over soon. I love him and am anxious to get on with our life together. Am I crazy to wait so long? He says his wife is making it a difficult divorce. Should I threaten to leave him if he doesn't hurry this up? Impatient in Love Dear Side Dish, Who has a 51-year-old mistress? You must give one hell of a back rub. You know, I get plenty of letters from people who have been cheated on by their lovers and I must say that they are a sad lot. It's a nice change of pace to hear from "the other woman" who wants some advice on breaking up a marriage. Well, I feel for you and the countless other hussies in your predicament so I will use this opportunity to issue another Dear Guy public service announcement: Ladies, he is not leaving his wife. He is a liar and he's stringing you along. If all the Marty's of the world were serious about getting a divorce they would have already left. Even if he were to leave her, what then would be the best-case scenario for you? The two of you getting married? Haven't you heard that this guy has a tendency to cheat on his wives? How many successful couples do you think have started out this way? "Mommy, how did you and Daddy meet?" "Well, your dad was married to another woman at the time but he was doing it with me on the down low. Oh it was so romantic. I hope that someday when you grow up you will be able to find somebody's husband that you can call your own." Move on "Impatient." There are plenty of actually single men out there who would really love to get a massage. Dear Guy, I have been dating my girlfriend for the past year and we had been just friends for 2 years before that. She is a really fun and outgoing girl and has lots of other friends. Most of them are male. I admit that sometimes I get jealous of these guys, especially considering how we started out. I don't want her running to one of them every time we get into a fight. The other day I was at the store where she works and I found a bunch of notes that a male co-worker has been leaving for her. They were mostly all job related, but in them he calls her things like "Sweets" and "Cupcake." I want to tell this guy to back off but I don't want to make her mad. By the way, he is around a lot and is single and looking to meet. Am I just being insecure? Getting Mad Dear Pissed, Under no circumstances should anyone be calling your girlfriend food. I would want to kill him too. Most of us have plenty of innocent, platonic relationships with women but we still kind of want to sleep with most of them. Do the math. Chances are most of your girlfriend's male buddies want to bang her silly. Unsettling, isn't it? Unfortunately there ain't a damn thing that you can do about it. If he is actually out to get her and you threaten him, you are just giving him some great ammunition to use against you. "You know, your boyfriend is a real nut! Why is he so controlling? I would never act that way. I would treat you like a delicious pastry, etc." Even if he is harmless you still come out looking deranged.
Bite your tongue but try to make sure that she
doesn't get too much alone time with any of these vultures. Also, try
to subtly give them the impression that you could put a serious
beat-down on anyone who might get out of line. Good luck.
Dear Guy, I think my man is hiding something from me. We have been together for over 7 months and I have never seen the inside of his apartment. He says he's embarrassed because it is so messy and he doesn't have any nice things. I don't care about those things. I have talked to his best friend who used to be his roommate about it and he says that it's not that bad. I don't want to sound like a typical girl but this is like he wont let me into his life. I don't want to push him too much but this is really starting to get to me. The other day he started talking about bringing us to the next level. I would love to be with him forever but I don't know if he is hiding something from me. I know he's not married or anything so what's the deal? Is this normal? -Locked Out Dear Unwelcome, It's not completely normal, but if this guy's pad looks like New Orleans then I guess it's understandable. If he is trying to hide the fact that he lives in a Yeti sanctuary then he's probably making things worse by allowing your imagination to run wild. Does he stink or tend to act like a total slob? If not, then maybe it's something else. Maybe he doesn't want you to see his Santeria shrine to the Olsen Twins. Perhaps his midget porn collection has gotten so big that it has taken over the entire apartment. Or, it might be as simple as him not wanting you to make fun of his Thundercats sheets or to smell his old girlfriends, rotting under the floorboards. Look, it's probably just dirty and he's too lazy to clean it up so he would rather get some fresh air and hang out at your place. Get him some garbage bags and some Febreze and tell him how much it would mean to you if he would invite you over. If he still refuses then he is most probably a freak. YOU NEED HELP. Guy is here for you. Send E-mail to advice@dearguy.com |
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