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The Flip Flop Party Agenda for
Saving the State of Michigan
By Robert E. Martin and J.A.S.
Editor's Note: It is a very sad but true axiom that with politics the more conditions worsen, the more governmental institutions tend to stay the same.
With local voter turnout hovering
around the 15% mark in the most recent citywide elections, and President
Bush's approval rating at an all time low, it seems the time is ripe for
announcing a fresh and new political platform designed to save the State
of Michigan.
Unfortunately, the following ideas are
not new. Back in 1982 we founded the Flip-Flop Party which
was based upon the premise that all political campaigns seems to be
based upon avoiding the premise that real issues make real voters real
mad.
America is unique in that ours is the
only country deliberately founded on a good idea, and we believe with
more than tongue-in-cheek in the merits of this platform.
As Leonard Levinson once
pointed out: Americans are funny. They will laugh at African witch
doctors and then spend 100 million dollars on fake weight reduction
systems.
Can we achieve the objectives stated
in this platform for the 2006 state races? You bet. As the late journalist
David Brinkley once noted: in space age politics a candidate can
promise the moon and mean it.
Proposal 1 Sell the City of Detroit. We believe the number one problem confronting the survival of Michigan for the past 20 years is the City of Detroit. We realize, unlike the legislators in Lansing, that no past, present, future or superior alien intelligence from another planet will be able to solve the problems of this violent, strange and bizarre town.
We all know that Detroit sucks - more
money, that is, than the combined budgets of the film Heaven's Gate,
most professional baseball contracts, and Dick Cheney's shoe cleaning
bills combined.
Our solution is to attempt to sell
Detroit to Canada or even Ohio. The best way to get rid of a problem is
simply to get rid of it. We also believe a good clean sale with an
unencumbered title would be exactly the answer. Think of it. We wouldn't
even need that much cash from our brother Canadians. They would just
trade us the Toronto Blue Jay outfield and a case of Molsons and a
bottle of Hiram Walker whiskey for each remaining Michigan resident to
celebrate with.
The Detroit Tigers, of course, would move their franchise to Frankenmuth. Proposal 2 Amnesty for Bores, Jerks, Saliva-spitting BMW owners, Idiots with turned-up noses, and A-holes.
With the tax amnesty program being so
successful in allowing tax cheats and criminals to atone for past
transgressions, we believe the aforementioned personality types should
be given one last chance to amend their offensive habits of public
pollution that give our state of mind such a severe beating. How can you
say 'Yes' to anything let alone a State with these jokers around?
Those duly reformed types that
successfully amend their ways will be given choice seats to each
Saginaw City Council meeting.
Proposal 3 Drunk Lanes. With stiffer penalties instead of drinks being served in Michigan these days, we believe it is contradictory for the State of Michigan to be the sole supplier of hard liquor on the one hand while victimizing and enforcing severe fines and penalties for purchasing on the other.
With the cost of equipping and manning
alcohol enforcement units, we believe a sane approach to MADD
mothers is to stop victimizing alcoholics with social problems. Why
compound their troubles with loss of income, loss of driving privileges,
jail, criminal records, possible job loss and damaged community and
family reputation?
Our solution to save lives and resources
is to establish drunken driving lanes on the highway. All drunk drivers
would be required to drive in the far right lane at no more than 20 mph
with emergency lights flashing. This would alert all sober drivers to
watch out for all cars in the right lane.
Those found weaving over into the wrong
lane (or out of the lane) would be immediately faced with an automatic
5-year suspension of license and forced to watch reruns of Macmillan
& Wife. (She wasn't so lucky, after all).
Proposal 4 Any business leaving the State of Michigan will be allowed to leave, but only if they agree not to take anything with them. Proposal 5 Free Scratch-Off Lottery Tickets for each dollar invested by anyone starting a business in Michigan. Multi-million dollar tax abatements may be fine for corporations posting multi-million dollar profits every quarter, but too little is done for the bulk of businesses providing the jobs in Michigan.
Instead of scratching their heads
wondering why customers aren't streaming in the door, small business
owners can scratch all their free lottery tickets. After all, starting a
business in this poorly rated business environment is a nail-biting
gamble anyway. And the odds for success are about the same as hitting
the jackpot.
Proposal 6 Insurance. Any insurance company doing business in Michigan discovered to be charging excessive premiums must be prepared to give up the following: a) Company condos in Florida to youth summer camps b) Their first-born child to scientific research so medical malpractice will decrease as accuracy increases. This will also add compensation to victims forced to live with caps on legitimate damage. Proposal 7 Foreign Banking. This bill would permit foreign banks to operate in Michigan and keep their money here so we can use it. After all, their companies are using us. Proposal 8 Increased Participatory Democracy Act. Because we believe in the part-time legislature, in order for it to work we need increased citizen participation. Once politicians' salaries are cut in half this will enable us to utilize the Lotto computer statewide for immediate citizen participation on all legislation. You can't play the Lotto unless you're a registered voter. This will stimulate greater voter turnout because more people play the Lottery than vote anyway. Proposal 9 Have all criminals replace traffic lights. This will eliminate the need for capital punishment and expensive jury trials. Motorists could instantly decide at every intersection, which turn to make. Proposal 10 Weatherization Program. This would authorize the sale of bonds to finance construction of a dome over the State of Michigan. This would result in one utility bill for the whole state.
Consumers Energy would be required
to purchase the bonds from the Administrative money saved from not
having to stuff and mail energy bills, read meters, and turn power off.
Pollution and damage from storms would become a thing of the past. All unemployed autoworkers would be retrained at local colleges to be dome builders. Autoworkers would now be called 'Dome Construction Engineers' or Domeheads for short.
We have many more ideas on saving
Michigan, but are saving them for our entry into the political spectrum.
Keep those donations coming. With your support we can change this state
of media into a state of mind.
(The preceding was a paid political announcement from the 'Flip Flop Party for 2006 Committee'. |
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