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The Personals

by the Roving Lifestyle Reporter (5-2-2004)

 

            Personal ads have always been controversial-are they real? Are they immoral? Do they work? Do people tell the truth about themselves in them? Are there useful tips in writing them? Are there alternative approaches besides bars, singles groups, etc.?

Your roving lifestyle reporter has been exploring this subject, both personally and through conversations with others about their experiences, as well as looking at Sherri Foxman's 1982 book on the subject, Classified Love, and it seems time to share the results with our readers.

Are the personal ads real? Yes, they are, though there are always a few dishonest people who use a personal ad as a disguise for some other form of advertising. This is most common on the Internet, when replying to a personal ad may well result in a formula e-mail directing you to an adult website of one sort or another, usually webcam sites.  Most personal ads, however, are from real people seeking other real people.

Are personal ads immoral? People use personal ads to achieve a variety of goals, ranging from a one-night stand to a long-term committed relationship, and everything in between. There is no blanket answer, and even specific answers depend on one's own definitions of morality-whether, for example, all sex outside of marriage is immoral.

Do personal ads work? Many people have had positive results from personal ads. Others have had less success. Positive results are more likely when the advertiser honestly depicts him or herself in the ad, and when the person answering the ad fits the description of the person sought.

Describing yourself dishonestly is an invitation to rejection. Answering an ad from someone seeking a person clearly NOT fitting your description tends to produce the same result.

Here are some anecdotal examples of personal ad results:

* National magazine ad: Correspondence, passionate encounters and long-term friendship.

* Local publication ad: Several positive encounters.
* Internet website ad: Correspondence, friendly meeting, incompatibility, and an amicable parting.
* Internet website ad: Memorably passionate encounter, but the individuals lived too far apart for a regular relationship.
* Internet website ad: Unsuccessful encounter as a result of the advertiser having seriously misrepresented their description.
* Internet website ad: Several interesting encounters, no long-term result.

Do people tell the truth about themselves in personal ads? For the most part, people seem to describe themselves as favorably as possible without being dishonest-in other words, they accentuate the positive. Serious misrepresentation seems to be relatively uncommon, but it does happen. My advice? Don't build fantasy castles before your first meeting.

Are there useful tips in writing personal ads? Here are a few:

1) Provide the basic information needed: an accurate self-description, and a description of what you're looking for. Be as clear as possible, but don't go into great detail-if you make a good impression initially, you can fill in the details in follow-up communications.

2) Don't include your address or phone number in the ad.

3) Include something about yourself which is particularly distinctive-don't sound like everyone else.

4) If you don't write well, seek assistance from a trusted friend who does.

These tips should help to improve the quality of your responses-getting a large volume doesn't guarantee that any will be what you want, if you haven't been clear about that. Fewer, more desirable responses are preferable.

Are there alternative approaches for those who don't want to pick up people in bars, attend often less than satisfying singles events, and other standard options? Yes, and here are a few of them:

* Join an organization which focuses on something that greatly interests you. This is a good place to meet others who share your interests-unless you are looking for someone of the opposite sex, and the organization is entirely composed of members of your own gender. Common sense will guide you.

* Attend a workshop or class in something that greatly interests you.
* Use Internet resources like Yahoo Groups to meet people with shared interests.

   * Talk with people in Internet chat rooms which focus on topics of interest to you.
* Explore websites relating to topics of interest to you-some of them have chat rooms of their own.
* Explore Internet newsgroups relating to topics that you find interesting.

* Look for topics that interest you in the Random Chat option of instant messaging services like ICQ. There are also topical search features in "Find User" on ICQ. Instant messaging offers the opportunity to engage in conversations anonymously, if you choose, before deciding whether to share more specific information about yourself, or arrange a meeting.

As always, keep in mind that first meetings are best arranged in a public place. Don't invite the person to your home for a first meeting, nor go to their home. Placing yourself at risk is not a good idea.

Having said all that, using honesty and common sense as your guides, you have an improved chance of meeting someone you really want to meet.