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The Return of 'The Unreasonable Man' By Charlie Kretschmer 'Home for the Holidays' This just in: -Taliban leaders pledged today that they will "flee to the death" against imperialist Western forces. "We are confident our troops can run backwards more quickly than any of the advancing infidel troops," said Taliban henchman Alibaba (Al) Kadah. "Just because my crack troops are screaming like girls on a sleepover doesn't mean we can't achieve a great logistical advantage hiding under large rocks. We just think it's better to regroup somewhere a little further from the action, say, Yemen, or perhaps Timbuktu." Kadah placed an order Thursday on Nike.com for 20,000 "Reversair' running shoes. "I like them" related Kadah, "because they have those little blinking lights on them, which makes it easy to see who's outscrambling whom in the caves." "Also, I understand this is the model endorsed by the Detroit Lions, who haven't gained much ground this year, either." -In a related development, Martha Stewart Omnimedia confirmed they are doing preliminary work for a photo spread entitled 'Giving Your Cave a Festive Fall Makeover.' A Stewart spokesperson confirmed the story was inspired by a large number of wealthy foreign subscribers who wanted to 'cheer up' their habitat for the long winter nights ahead. "Martha herself devised some fabulous little table arrangements using native mosses and spare Kalishnikov parts that are so readily available. We're also researching some holiday appetizers utilizing goat hooves and sleet to perk up the troops." Chirped the Stewart spokesperson "Do you know they have 30 types of sleet on the Kandahar Plains alone?" - In another related development, Osama bin Laden placed a satellite phone call to a surprised sales representative for the Assured Beneficial Amalgamated Life Insurance headquarters in Iowa yesterday, asking for a quote on larger coverage, and a possible switch from a variable annuity to term life. "Mr. bin Laden had been reviewing his policy, as we encourage all our customers to do on a regular basis, said an Assured representative. "Good financial planning includes an accurate look at a client's mortality tables, which, in Mr. bin Laden's case, were computed on a stopwatch. We considered using an hourglass, but frankly, it took a little too long." Mr. bin Laden reportedly asked for a discount because he wouldn't be around to use the little magnetic refrigerator calendar usually sent out to policyholders each December. "Refrigerator? Ha! Try living in one" groused the former all-knowing one. -In yet another related development (funny how these are all related, isn't it?) recently liberated women in Kabul have forced their former Taliban oppressors to make a choice - death by stoning, or wearing a full burkah around in 95 degree weather, while hauling 100 pound jugs of water. "Holy Guacamole, I never realized how hot it gets in there" one surprised former Taliban enforcer was heard to say. "It's like walking around with a little pizza oven on your head. I thought my beard was going to spontaneously combust right there on the spot. " "Give me the firing squad any day!!"
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