|
|
MONKEY TROUBLE
By Greg Walton
Review Film Critic
Tim Burton's "re-imagining" of THE PLANET OF THE APES is frustratingly
similar to taking a tour of the zoo and finding all the animals asleep.
No matter how hard you rattle the cage, how many french fries you throw, or
how loud you yell, "Do something! I paid 10 bucks, dammit!" the critters
just refuse to amuse you.
Plodding through the 1968 storyline like a drugged elephant, the film goes
nowhere slowly, with Mark Wahlberg as the stranded astronaut, Helena Bonham
Carter as his simian love interest, and Tim Roth as a militant monkey out
to obliterate the human scourge.
How a director of Burton's ability could mess up this bad is a question
that will have to wait for DVD - as should anyone who planned on seeing
this bland big-budget bomb in the theater.
Rick Baker's make-up combined with the actors' body language training in
"ape school" make for a very convincing ape society. But any and all
compliments end there, as the original story has been scrubbed clean of
personality, character and charm.
Walhberg's lines of dialogue are so few and far between, the role could
have been written for an Eastern European kickboxer with a lisp. And what
action scenes exist are of the standard, computer-enhanced variety, so
predictable even Miss Cleo would be insulted.
Stay away. Stay far away.
Grade: D
TEEN ROYAL
Just when the era of innocence that spawned "Pete's Dragon"
and "Freaky
Friday" seemed trampled under foot; Disney puts out a throwback to a time
when G-rated films weren't a last resort for kids stuck with overprotective
parents and a V-chip.
But "The Princess Diaries" is only vintage enough to seem retro-chic.
Little girls may never stop dreaming they'll become a princess overnight,
but today's kids are also concerned about social status, career goals, and
that hunky singer/songwriter who fixes classic cars next door.
Anne Hathaway stars in this could-have-been made-for-the-Disney Channel
"Pretty Woman," dropping the whole hooker thing but keeping the heart of
gold. As a private school ugly duckling, Mia (Hathaway) is as surprised as
anyone to find out she is the heir to the throne of Genovia (an imaginary
country...but they could still probably kick France's ass) and suddenly the
most talked about girl in school. Make-over montages abound as the klutz
becomes a queen and learns some valuable life lessons under the tutelage of
Mary Poppins herself, Julie Andrews.
"The Princess Diaries" is content to just pass itself off as merely
pleasant, filling the family film void that no studio seems eager to wade
into. Director Garry Marshall coaches his next pretty woman to a showy
performance, but Hathaway is more believable as a "Natalie Portman-esque"
beauty queen than a frizzy haired alterna-geek. Her character is too
comfortable with herself to ever be a convincing dork, unlike best friend,
Lilly, (played by Heather Matarazzo of "Welcome to the Dollhouse") who has
teenage angst tattooed on her pimply forehead.
Everything's funny in a familiar way, and charming with a forced sense of
fun. If anything else, "The Princess Diaries" may prove to your kids that
sex, violence, and four-letter words aren't necessary ingredients for a
successful film. At least, until they're old enough take apart the
television.
Grade: B-
|
|
