WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN

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By Greg Walton

Review Film Critic

	One of the classic moments in modern movie history finds Harrison

Ford at the edge of a tomb alive with slithering venomous invertebrates.

Rolling his eyes, he turns to the camera, tilts back his dusty hat and

says,  "Snakes...why'd it have to be snakes?"

It's more than a throwaway line of dialogue, it's a nudge and a wink to the

audience that they're supposed to be having a good time; that even though

our hero may face insurmountable odds, grievous injury, and poisoned dates,

everything is gonna turn out OK. Of course, the evolution of the action

hero into part-time comedian didn't begin there - James Bond and his endless

supply of bad puns get most of the credit - and it certainly didn't end

when Indy hung up his hat.

When faced with a similarly dangerous situation, Brendan Fraser, the star

of The Mummy Returns, turns to the audience and quips with Sideshow Bob

loathing, "Oh, I hate mummies!" You can almost see cut and paste keystrokes

onscreen, but that shouldn't be a surprise.  The 1999 remake of The Mummy

wrapped itself up in a Raiders-esque package and piled on the ironic humor

to offset any horrific aspects its title would suggest.  After all, why

limit yourself to the scary movie crowd when you can create a theme park

adventure experience, pulling in Mom, Pop, the kids, and any stray

grandparents whose bladders were too weak to make it from the parking lot

to the front gate.

The Mummy Returns is a sequel in every sense of the word, following all the

rules in the well-worn Hollywood handbook.

It's a sequel, we don't need no stinkin'story!  The most you can ask for is

a follow-up that doesn't disgrace the film that came before it.  Since the

first Mummy was merely mediocre, The Mummy Returns really has nowhere to go

but up.  And it is an improvement, jettisoning much of the winking and

nudging for a darker (as dark as PG-13 can get) approach that at least

offers the illusion of jeopardy for its cartoon characters.

The first thing you notice about the film is its scope.  The opening

sequence is a flashback to the Scorpion King's conquest of an immense

Egyptian temple, with thousands of monsters, men and warriors hacking each

other to bits.  The second thing you notice is how fake it all looks.  But

somehow it's a good kind of fake...like the work of stop-motion genius Ray

Harryhausen and his Sinbad epics.  While director Stephen Sommers isn't

anywhere near that level of quality, his heart is in the right place, and

there's a boyish wonder to the computer generated canvas he's creating.

It's what stadium seating and surround sound were made for.

Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz return as the now married O'Connells, with

a precocious kid of their own, Alex (Freddie Boath), tagging along behind.

They still haven't kicked the tomb raiding habit, though, and when Mrs.

O'Connell digs up a scorpion bracelet, lots of turban-wearing bad guys are

out to steal it - presumably not just because it matches their wardrobe.

It seems Im-Ho-Tep (aka The Mummy) has been resurrected and wants the

bracelet so he can defeat the Scorpion King and take control of his army of

undead dog-men...and then the world!  The plot is so ridiculously confusing

and inept, Sommers even admits defeat by letting his characters mock it

onscreen.  But there's an energy and momentum here that the first film,

bogged down by its classic horror film roots, never achieved.

Much of that comes about by transforming Weis from the clumsy, damsel in

distress of part one to the butt-kicking reincarnation of an Egyptian

princess.  While leading man Brendan Fraser never truly fit the mold of a

daring soldier of fortune (his face is just better suited for comedic

double-takes and sucker punches), Weis brings a much leaner, meaner edge to

her character.  Sommers knows it, too, and gives her action sequences -

like the girl-on-girl gladiator-style brawl between a rival reincarnated

princess - a showcase the rivals anything Fraser does in the film.

 There's still a sense that the Mummy Returns is showering you with effects

that are half-finished or completely unnecessary.  The Mummy himself is

once again a computer generated ghoulie rather than a practical make-up job

- a choice that sometimes has you longiing for Boris Karloff in hospital

bandages, a stand-in wrapped in toilet paper or anything rather than this

in-organic breakfast cereal cartoon character!

 The film does things because it can, not because it should.  But when you

can stage an attack by wall-crawling mummies on a double-decker bus as it

streaks through the streets of London, I don't think you'll hear many

people complaining.

Grade: B+

THIS KNIGHT'S GOT GAME

Queen's We Will Rock You!  is as much a part of sporting events as bad

parking, over-priced beer, and over-paid athletes.  No wonder A

Knight's Tale co-opts everyone's favorite foot stompin' hand clappin' rock

anthem to play up its own medieval full contact sport: jousting.

 It seems team spirit and The Wave transcend time and space, showing up in

the 18th century where a squire, William (hunky Heath Ledger of The

Patriot), takes the place of his recently deceased master to compete as a

knight in a sport restricted to noble blood.  With a taste of victory,

William becomes Sir Ulrich and, soon, an overnight sensation throughout

Europe (...although after David Hasselhoff that's not much of an

accomplishment).

A Knight's Tale should be awful.  Every moment of it should induce Disney

TV movie flashbacks starring Whoopi Goldberg and some buck-toothed brat

named Timmy.  And the idea of laying down contemporary music over the

action like AC/DC and Thin Lizzy...Thin Lizzy, for Moses' sake!...should be

enough to make your ears bleed.  But by some act of God, everything works!

 The script, while patently derivative of every rag-tag sports film from

Rocky to The Bad News Bears, is witty and manipulatively inspirational,

full of lovable characters and posable action figures.  Rufus Sewell (Dark

City) gets to blow evil out both ears as Count Adhemar, the reigning

jousting champ.  And Heath Ledger gets one more vote as up-and-coming

superstar of the month; with Val Kilmer's looks, Mel Gilbson's charm, and

the old-Travolta dance moves.

 Even the music, once Freddie Mercury tires himself out, gets into a

groove.  The use of David Bowie's Golden Years magically turns a reserved

ballroom dance into a smartly choreographed free for all, with shadows of

old musicals shimmering in the historical background.  Like the dance scene in

Pulp Fiction, you can't take your eyes off it.

 Cleverly defying and satisfying your expectations at the same time, A

Knight's Tale turns the simple story of two men playing chicken on horses

with long pointy sticks into one heck of a way to knock off 2 hours.

Grade: A-