What Can Be Done About Parental Negligence?

Dear Valerie;

I would like to say that I enjoy reading your column and think

anyone willing to listen to the problems of others has a kind intention.

My problem regards my ex-wife and our 2 daughters. We married young and had

children young, eventually divorcing after 3 years. Our daughters are now 7

and 5 and since the divorce 4 years ago they have been in my custody.

Throughout this time, their mom has failed to comply with her visitation

rights, sometimes seeing them as little as a few hours each month.

Our divorce was largely due to my wife's excessive drinking and neglect of

the children while they were in her care. Although I don't want to sound

like I'm blaming her, because I have my share of faults as well. There were

many joint disagreements that led to our separation.

In recent years, I find that I am constantly aware of my daughter's need

for their mother to be a part of their lives. This is why I try to

encourage their relationship with her. But my ex doesn't seem to have much

time or need to be with them.

This year, the girls invited her over on Christmas Eve to make cookies and

open presents. I made plans to go out so they could have time together.

That day my oldest daughter asked me over and over, 'Are you sure Mom is

coming?"

I reassured her, thinking their mother wouldn't disappoint them, but she

never showed up, didn't call, and we haven't heard from her yet.

Sometimes I worry that something happened to her. I make up stupid excuses

for her, but I know that she just doesn't care about being with the girls.

It's one thing for me to be disgusted and angry, but it's another that my

daughters are being continuously hurt by her actions. They don't deserve to

be treated like this. Everytime they have plans with their Mom, I rally

believe that she'll show up. Now I just think that I've been lying to

myself and to my children.

I spend a lot of time trying to protect them from any kind of hurt or

suffering, trying to control the situation. I'm beginning to wonder if I

should stop allowing them to see her at all, but in doing that I would be

turning them against her, and I don't want to do that.

Out of concern, I have tried in the past to talk with my ex about her

behavior, but she doesn't seem to care about the things I say to her. She

acts like everything is fine. But I know it's not, because my oldest

daughter spent Christmas Eve with her little face screwed into lines of

worry and tears streamed from her eyes when she understood that her mom

wasn't coming. She went to her room and wouldn't come out. I sat and rocked

her like a baby until she fell asleep.

I need to know what you think I should do in this situation. Thank you for

listening.

Timothy Shuman (name has been changed to protect your identity)

Dear Timothy;

You are a good father. The fact that you have great concern for

your children's emotions illustrates the deep love you have for them. This

is a remarkable quality, and I'm glad that you shared your story with us. I

want you to recognize that your love alone will help your daughters deal

with the pain that is inevitable in life.

As parents, we want to believe that our children are safe because we

protect them. When they are harmed there is a tendency for self-blame, and

it is important for you first to realize that there are things from which

you will not be able to protect them from, especially when they grow older.

This is why it is so important to love & teach them about love, from our

own perspectives & actions when they are young. These are the things that

will stay with them and protect them, even when we feel we can no longer

protect them.

In regard to your ex-wife, it's important to remember that you can't change

another person. When a person repeats a certain action, it's useless to

believe they are going to suddenly change. By doing that you are setting

yourself up to be let down.

It's important for you to model your behavior carefully, because what you

say and do is an example for your children. Rather than encourage your

children to expect their mom to make time for them, focus more on teaching

them to accept and love their mom for the person she is, despite her

shortcomings. Help them learn to accept that it's okay if their mom doesn't

show up and find something special to do instead.

I can't tell you how important it is for them to understand that whatever a

parent lacks is not their fault. So many children grow up believing that

they are bad people, because as children they were neglected or abused.

There is a lot of pain & suffering that you are protecting them from, just

by being there and loving them.

I want to thank you for making that kind of difference in your children's

lives. Even though it's tough raising them alone, every step of the way you

make up for whatever might be lacking in their lives.

Keep up the good work!

How Can I Stop Letting Myself Down?

Dear Valerie:

Another Christmas and the New Year bring feelings of doubt &

self-pity to mind. Each year I tell myself I'm going to lose weight, be a

more understanding person-the list is endless. There are all these things I

want to change, but I can't help knowing I'm going to let myself down and

wind up feeling depressed and sorry for myself. How can I stop feeling this

way?

J.P.

Dear J.P.,

It sounds like your suffering from a case of the 'holiday blues'.

In addition to this, your probably setting high standards for yourself,

expecting to reach them quickly. Try setting daily goals, focus on small

achievements. Take it one day at a time, and don't be afraid to reward

yourself for the small achievements. Don't expect your entire life to

change, be reasonable and let yourself be satisfied with daily progress.

Thought of the Day o "Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy

might." - Ecclesiastes 9:10