|
|
FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week of March 30
c Copyright 2000 Rob Brezsny
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Tuning my psychic vision into your imminent
future, I see you lying on a floor surrounded by wine-stained poetry books,
crumpled Matisse prints, abandoned underwear, and half-eaten bowls of
fruit. You're staring up at the ceiling with a mad gaze, muttering
gibberish and waving your hands as if swatting away demons. APRIL FOOL! I
do in fact see you sprawled on a floor, but you're brimming with sweet
songs, not nonsense, and that look in your eye is billowing joy, not
disoriented frustration. What I think my vision means is that you'll be
driven deliciously delirious by a lush romantic mystery.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In a puppet show I saw recently, a cook was about
to throw a live lobster into a pot of boiling water when he was interrupted
by the arrival of five lobsters dressed like Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
They seized their compatriot before the evil deed could be done, carrying
him away to safety. I offer you this stirring tale, Taurus, in hopes it
will rouse you to rescue your own inner lobster from a comparable fate.
APRIL FOOL! You don't have an inner lobster, silly. You do have an inner
righteous outlaw, however--you know, an honorable
rebel, a troublemaker who fights for truth and justice--and that character
needs to spring into action now.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): It'll be a good week to make counterfeit money,
arrange to have psychedelic drugs sent to you in the mail, and earnestly
plan the overthrow of the government. APRIL FOOL! You do have a lot of
karmic credit right now, and the gods are indeed willing to give you lots
of slack--but not THAT much. I suggest you use your luck to attract sweet
treats and playful jaunts, not foolish risks and insane adventures. If you
simply can't suppress your urge to commit extreme acts, choose some that
won't land you in jail. How about trying to love thy neighbor as thyself,
for instance?
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Magically slipping past security guards, the
Anti-Christ will ride a two-headed wolf into the offices of the New York
Times this week. Demanding that editors publish a front-page apology for
their pathological obsession with bad news, this Minion of Satin (he'll be
wearing a blue satin jumpsuit) will threaten to release a genetically
engineered disease that causes its victims to paint their shoes red and
dance 16 hours a day. Will you let this happen, Cancerian? I hope not. Drop
what you're doing and head for the trouble spot! Promise me you'll
intercept the Nefarious One before he can work his mischief. APRIL FOOL!
You are indeed the champion problem-solver and crisis-cruncher of the
zodiac these days, but you'll get best results if you work closer to home.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Picture yourself gobbling ripe organic
strawberries that have been genetically modified and irradiated. Imagine
you're chainsmoking Marlboros as you pedal your exercise bicycle, or
wandering through a garbage dump while listening to gorgeous music on a
Walkman. These meditation exercises will get you in the mood to navigate
through the conflicts ahead. APRIL FOOL! While you will encounter
incongruity this week, it's more likely to come in the form of sweet
paradoxes than intolerable contradictions. Imagine feeling nostalgia for
the future. Envision yourself leaving a homey sanctuary for an exotic
playground. Picture the poignant thrill of losing your religion as you find
your true God.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): To help you atone for your relentless
self-disparagement, I decree that every Virgo MUST purchase and wear a
button that says "Worship Me!" To drive home the point that the cosmic
powers I speak for will no longer tolerate your refusal to own your full
authority, I demand that the next time precipitation begins to fall on your
parade, you MUST shake your fist toward the heavens and bellow, "The rain
can kiss my ass!" APRIL FOOL! I'm not so arrogant to think I have the right
to order you around, Virgo. I do politely request, however, that you follow
the advice I offered above.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): As a kid, I suspected I had magical powers that
worked in reverse. The trick was to pray that I wanted the opposite of what
I really wanted. So for instance while I listened to radio broadcasts of
Detroit Tiger baseball games, I would pretend to jinx my favorite player,
Al Kaline, with hexes. "Miss the ball, Al," I chanted. "Make an out. Do
your worst, Al." It was uncanny how often he did well whenever I tried
this. I bring this up, Libra, because I believe you now have the same
power. APRIL FOOL! I'm just messing with you, beautiful, hoping that I will
shock you into realizing how superstitious you've been about asking for
what you desire most.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): To encourage your efforts to get ahead on the
job, I offer these tips from expert Kazue Susuki. 1) Always arrive 15
minutes early. 2) Before you leave at the end of the day, ask your
superiors if there's any task you can help them with. 3) In your leisure
time, eagerly devour books related to your job. 4) Frequently imagine
kissing your boss's butt sweetly. APRIL FOOL! Tip 4 is mine, not Susuki's.
It's my sarcastic way of suggesting that you blow off his smarmy advice
entirely. This is prime time to launch job improvement strategies, it's
true, but you're more likely to succeed if you're ballsy, not wimpy.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): An angel will soon appear to you in a dream
and reveal that God has chosen you to conceive a child who will become the
world savior. Unfortunately, you will laugh in the angel's face and spew,
"Go infect some other sucker with your megalomaniac hallucincations,
bub--I've got more realistic fantasies to spawn." APRIL FOOL! While the
dream I described is approximately true, your negative response to the
deluded angel will not be unfortunate at all. In fact, it'll be wise. You
are abundantly fertile now, and you should be very practical in deciding
what visionary goal will receive your creative juice.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): There's really no difference, as far as I can
tell, between the nirvana the Buddhists idolize and the supremely
empty-headed serenity attained after four hours of watching TV on a comfy
couch. Both states yield a suspension of desires and the disappearance of a
sense of self. I don't care which one you seek this week, Capricorn.
Either's fine. APRIL FOOL! It's true that relaxation should be your
priority, but you should pursue it with all your might and ingenuity, and
in a way that heightens your alertness and vividly reminds you of how
unique you are.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Squeeze into an ill-fitting niche that divides
you against yourself, Aquarius. Make nasty comments about yourself behind
your back. Fret and sweat over trivial worries that won't matter at all a
month from now. APRIL FOOL! It's true that if you continue in the direction
you're headed, you will commit the sins I named. But now that you know what
to guard against, I expect you'll take
a proactive detour. As a result, maybe you'll hold regular committee
meetings in which your left brain and right brain work together to arrive
at shared goals despite their sometimes divergent agendas.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You tell too many half-truths. Money will always
be a big problem for you. Your furniture is ugly. Collecting psychological
crutches is your hobby. You make God sick. APRIL FOOL! I was just testing
you, Pisces--trying to see if you've finally built up your sense of self
strong enough not to be shaken every time some thoughtless jerk flings a
negative vibe your way. Here's the real truth: Your emotional intelligence
gives you greater access to deep truths than any other sign. You've never
been in a better position to get richer quicker than you are this year. God
adores you, and is now
trying to trick you into accepting gifts you've always ignored.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: God is dead. God is a drug for people who aren't too
smart. God is an illusion sold to dupes by money-hungry religions. APRIL
FOOL! In fact,
anyone who says he knows what God is, doesn't. To confess what you don't
know about God, go to www.freewillastrology.com.
|
